Florida, You Ignorant Slut

In a not altogether surprising display of Floridian logic, after failing to address murder boomboom-sticks directly, the Florida House instead just passed a bill that would require schools to display “In God We Trust“.   Because, of course, the only thing that will stop the perverse display of an outdated amendment is the perverse desecration of another.

Florida, you never fail to fail.  I’ll give you that.  No wonder Trump has made you his default residence and has mandated a no-go zone for offshore drilling just for you.  And I thought it was just because, you know…orange. 

Florida has a real identity issue. It tries to out-Texas Texas, playing Grover Dill to a far more white-trashy Scut Farkus, but doesn’t really have the balls or the numbers to do it. Plus, they rely on the kindness of strangers, aka tourists, to keep it from going cash poor, on account hawking googly-eyed beach detritus and T-shirts with airbrushed alligators huffing paint thinner can only get you so far.  And just to prove how Florida this latest Floridian fuckism is, it was a DEMOCRAT that introduced the bill.  Trust me.  Patton Oswalt let you guys off easy.

It never ceases to both befuddle and incense me how completely fucking ignorant Conservatives truly are. They simply just cannot understand the 1st amendment at all. The very amendment that gives them the licensure they need to do all the shitty, shitty, oh-so-shitty things they do in the first place is the one they shit on every chance they get. Actually, pretty much all the amendments are at best after thoughts, if they think about them at all.  Other than that most precious of preciousness, THE SECOND AMENDMENT (hushed reverence ensues…)  Sorta like the Ten Commandments they never seem to be able to fully recite.  

As a Christian, I was led to believe, or rather the attempt was made to lead me to believe, that the “separation of church and state” was nowhere to be found in the entire American Constitution. I tried to understand it but it never sat well with me.  And I’d leave church thinking, time and time again:  but, but, but…the First Amendment, y’all? (sheepish squeaking ensues…)  It wasn’t until years later, long after I had left the church, that I realized, “OOOOOOHHHH…they mean the actual phrase ‘separation of church and state’…ooooohhhhh. Ooookaaay.  Well.  That’s.  Really.  Stupid.”  

When you factor in how Conservatives slash Christians slash Evangelicals can only understand concepts that aren’t actually conceptual but instead actual literal depictions of actual actuality, then you understand their inability to understand things.  You have to account for a fairly sizable population that honestly and without use of metaphor or imagery believe in the real existence of magical boats that can carry all the animals of the world, ladies that turn into pillars of salt for being all mouthy and woman-like and the mass murder of innocent children just so God can prove a point.  Then you can “appreciate” distilled ignorance masquerading as childlike wonderment, or “faith” as they prefer it.  At least, to their credit, there’s precedent for “justifiable” child slaughter.  Because.  You know.  God.

I don’t know if this bill will be voted into law.  But the fact that it was even introduced, let alone got passed, says plenty.  America is held hostage by a “moral majority” that is neither of those things.  What they lack in descriptive accuracy they more than make up in self righteous vicissitude and moral appropriation.  The far left may match their obstinate delusions but they got nuttin’ on their vindictive nature, both in numbers and magnitude.

The sad reality again divulged from this latest of tragedies AND the newest malignancy that has arisen from it, from “crisis actors” to this total horseshit legislative divinity Let Go & Let God “cure-all”, is how willingly a people who so loudly proclaim to treasure freedom so willingly partake in its subterfuge. Never mind that 12 years ago Florida added In God We Trust to their fucking STATE flag.  Or that it’s already on all the money, because, how couldn’t it be.  Or that “under God” was snuck into the Pledge of Allegiance honoring a flag whose very symbolism allows for no such thing to be embraced by the state.  It’s maddening!  Absolutely maddening!  Conservatives have done it time and time and time again, each time trying to fill a hole with the dirt found at the bottom and blaming everybody else for trying to bury them.  Quite honestly, should they ask all nice-like, that’s one damn thing I’d be more than happy to help them do.


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3 thoughts on “Florida, You Ignorant Slut

  1. I say give the slogan a chance. Conduct scientific experiments. Get a hundred backpacks and put “In God We Trust” on half of them. Line them up at shooting ranges — with the slogan on the backside so shooters can’t see — and have marksmen take pot-shots at them all day long. At the end of the day, count bullet holes. See if the “In God We Trust” backpacks are unharmed, or harmed just as often as the unemblazoned backpacks.

    Liked by 1 person

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